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Rick sees counselor to fix relationship.
"I'm way past that."
"It was hard for a while but, finally I came to grips with it. Really, what helped was a conscious decision not to sit back and judge myself for what I'd done, or what I'd felt. I decided to just accept it and go forward."
"That's wise, Rick. So long as you're not hurting anyone, you need to scale back on the self-criticism. It's healthy to just let yourself discover your feelings without constantly evaluating yourself."
"Well, if I hadn't accepted what I'd done and my feelings about it, the relationship would never have developed the way it did."
"Tell me more about how it developed."
"I think the way Gary handled this incident was the key to why I could handle it at all," I started. "Right from the start, he put me at ease."
"Well, like I said, that first time I blew Gary, I was incredibly excited. I was completely in the moment. There was no part of my consciousness that was standing back from what I was doing and judging me." I took another drink, pausing while I thought about how to describe this.
"When he'd finished, there I was, on my knees between his thighs, his softening cock in my mouth, and my mouth filled with the taste of his cum. My frenzy had passed with his. Now what was I to do? Somehow the scene had to continue, and I didn't know how."
"I pulled off his cock and, unable to look up and meet his possibly judgmental gaze, I just looked as his slick, shiny dick and found myself beginning to slip into self-loathing. Gary pulled himself up, moving back away from me and said, in such a casual, nonchalant tone, something like, 'Hey, let's get another beer and get back to the game.'"
"He got up, pulling up his pants as he did, to get the beers. This probably took some effort on his part. I know all I want to do after I've blown my load is slip into a stupor. But it gave me a chance to straighten up and regain my composure. When he got back with the beers, he acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. We were just two guys watching football over a few beers."
"And that made it easier for you?" Dr. Kim asked.
"Yeah ... completely. It was like the door had shut on that incident. It hadn't changed me, or Gary, or the way we related. It was surprising, there was no outward awkwardness and that put me at ease."
I took another drink of water. Now that Dr. Kim had gotten me thinking back to my first time with Gary, I was reminded of the feelings I'd had early on. They were good ones. Not surprisingly, I'd felt some turmoil at the time, but in retrospect I suspected that this had served to intensify the pleasures I'd experienced. Recalling these incidents and the feelings they'd evoked made me feel better.
"How did you react after Gary had left - when the TV was off and you were alone with your thoughts?"
"That was kind of weird, too. Or maybe not. I don't know what's 'normal' in a situation like that. First time, you know," I smiled at Dr. Kim and she smiled back encouragingly.
"Gary was completely nonchalant as he left. He said something like, 'Good game. Let's do it again sometime.' In context, it was suggestive - more than suggestive, I guess - but it was said so casually that I responded immediately and without thinking, 'Yeah, great.'"
"After he'd left, while I was cleaning up a little, I found myself replaying in my mind what I'd done. I didn't beat myself up over it or anything. I was just turning it over in my mind. I found, as I recalled the various aspects of my experience - the sight of Gary's hard cock, the feeling of being on my knees immediately in front of that hard cock, the feel of it in my hands and then my mouth, the scent and taste of his cock, and the taste of his cum as he blasted it into my mouth. I was flooded with a kaleidoscope of different sensual memories."
"And then," I paused, thinking about how to say this to Dr.