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Sayali, a beautiful but undisciplined Indian 18-year-old.

I'm going out for while."
"Why?" Andy asked as he crunched on the apple slices I cut for him.

"Just something I want to do."

"Mommie cries when you go."

I scooped the apple core up and tossed it into the trash. "Mommie cries?"

"Yup." Andy put his hands together then he moved his arms apart as wide as he could. "Mommie love you this much."

"How do you know that?" My breath seemed to stick in my throat.

Andy stretched his head up as far as he could and I leaned down so he could whisper in my ear. "Mommie told me. It's a secret." Andy wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me as tight as he could. "Andy loves daddy." He put his hands together and opened his arms. "Me and Mommie love you whole bunches." He bit down into another slice of apple. I picked him up and put him onto the floor. He scrambled out into the living room.

My head was swimming. 'Daddy,' he called me daddy. Just then Ellie walked into the kitchen with a new tie in her hand. "Here, I can't let you go out looking the way you did." Ellie looped end over end as she worked the tie together. I knew it didn't take as long as she took to get me a tie. I watched her face. Her eyes were red and I could see tracks of dried tears on her cheek. Ellie had been crying upstairs.

"If you were to ask..."

"Ask you what, Ellie?"

"Ask me to wear a dress, I would. I wear soft silky things under my dresses, too. I wouldn't put up any resistance if you wanted to see how soft my things are under my dress."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't see that one coming and Ellie caught me completely off guard. I just stood there while she worked on my tie. Ellie finished tying my tie and I felt her hands moved down my arms till her fingertips were resting on my hands. "Just ask me... Jake, please don't go. I don't want you to go out with her."

My eyes caught the clock on the stove. "We'll talk about this later." I moved toward the door and when I turned the doorknob, I looked over my shoulder at Ellie standing in short PJ bottoms and a sweatshirt. I thought of Sue Ling. Mommies cries. "We'll talk when I get back." I opened the door and left.

******

I let the storm door slam shut angrily behind me. My mind felt like a convoluted mangle of nerves. Of wants. Of needs. My car moved down the highway. My mind conjured images of Sue Ling standing before me in a short sweater dress. My thoughts dwelled, obsessed on the possibility that somehow I was making a mistake. But which one is the mistake? Go to meet Sue Ling? Maybe score with her. Or go back to Ellie? I didn't know. I turned the steering wheel. I needed to think-to realign my thoughts. I pulled into a bar I knew. Taking a seat in the rear, I quickly ordered a drink. My fingers wrapped around the glass and I stared down into the reflection of a hollow, empty man. What will be the price if these forces boiling within me are not allowed to escape? I can't have both. The storm of doubt grew inside me. Do I want Sue Ling or do I need Ellie?

Mommie cries. Those words burnt in my mind as though someone had driven a rusty nail deep into my brain. I recall all those times Ellie made subtle, flirtatious gestures. A touch of her hair, a fix of a strap on her shoe. A quick flash of her thigh when she'd turn. Those surges of light now cut through the darkness. I had been so blind.

Sue Ling was waiting on me. Those lovely, long legs of hers were waiting on me. I wanted to caress them, feel them with my fingers. Taste her with my lips. Mommie cries. I bit my lips and the booze burnt them when I placed the glass to my lips. What is love? Have I fallen in love with Ellie? I'm a writer searching for words that I can't say. Do I love Ellie?

I allow images of Ellie to float up in the pool of my memory. Marvelous things. I feel in my hand the softness of Ellie's butt when I accidentally touched her months ago. She didn't push me away. My heart and my brain compete with each other. Which way? What does my future hold?

Will it be a new and glorious level of being, an unequivo

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