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Hot wife has hazy daze.
Most of the guests joined back in until the song was over. To my surprise, the string quartet had snuck in an electric guitar for the riff near the end.
When I reached Jeff, he engulfed me in his arms.
"You are absolutely amazing."
"I'll be astonished if this doesn't wind up on YouTube," Jeff almost whispered.
The guests quieted down and the rabbi broke script.
"I've known Jeff for quite a while. I met Ashley more recently. I would not have been surprised if Jeff had pulled something like this. But, Ashley, I never imagined you would so delightfully set tradition on its ear.
"Jeff, I think you're in for quite a ride."
We stood under the chuppah, my parents to my left and Jeff's to his right.
"We have Jeff's grandmother, Hari, to thank for this bright, colorful design on the canopy. Her specialty is jewelry, but Hari is clearly an artist.
"As we stand here beneath the chuppah, you will notice its fragility. These poles are adequate to hold our canopy, but we have no illusion that this is a formidable structure. So are a marriage and home fragile structures. It takes a lot of work and attention to keep them vital and vibrant."
This was not the most important day of my life that brides obsessed over; the day I'm queen of the world. This was the continuation of an adventure that was more fun and more satisfying than I could ever have imagined.
It was steeped with tradition. I walked around Jeff three times as a symbol that he was the center of my life.
It backed off from tradition. With the modern approach, Jeff walked around me to symbolize that I was the center of his life. We walked the final circle around each other.
Some people believe that bad things happen in threes. We Jews are prone to doing things in sevens. As we made our seven circles, the rabbi recited the sheva brachot - the seven blessings.
The rabbi recited some Hebrew which Jeff repeated, which translates to "Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring." Jeff then placed my ring on my right index finger, thought in biblical times to be closest to the heart.
I said "Ani l'dodi, ve dodi li," and placed his on his left ring finger.
"It came as no surprise to me," said our rabbi, "that the bride and groom wanted to add their own vows to those traditionally spoken. And why shouldn't they? Jeff."
Jeff and I were facing each other. He walked by me on my left. What the hell was he doing? Was he walking out?
I felt him behind me. I looked over my shoulder and he had his back to me. He was standing behind me in a defensive position, looking straight at my father.
"Ashley, I will always have your back. You won't need me for all the wonderful things I know you will accomplish. But you can be confident I will be with you all the way, supporting you and making sure you come to no harm."
I got chills. I think everyone got chills, even my father, though his were from fear of what Jeff would do if he tried to harm me.
Jeff returned to his position facing me.
"Really?" I said, like I couldn't believe it. "That's the act I have to follow?"
"Don't worry," Jeff said. "I've got your back."
I swear, the audience, I mean the guests, was responding like this was a comedy club.
"For starters, in case you somehow missed it, you're my hero."
"That's not exactly a vow," Jeff said.
"It's the preface."
We were having fun with each other, like we always did, except there was a crowd of over three hundred listening in.
"I promise to live up to your expectations. If I can't do it right away, I'll figure out how.
"I promise to assume you know what you're doing or talking about unless you indicate to the contrary, because you do.
"I promise to use subterfuge, nag, kvetch and do whatever it takes to keep you healthy enough to become an old man.
"And I promise to find the value in nerds, especially my nerd."
Trust Jeff not to let this go.
"You know, the term nerd was first used in If I Ran the Zoo, by Dr.